A checklist of the things I have never done _called from jail _been expelled from school _shown up on the evening news _eloped with someone I met on the internet _joined a cult _dropped out of college _posed for a porno mag _sold my kidney on Craigslist for crack _covered myself with tattoos and piercings _joined the circus _joined a hippie commune _released a sex tape on the internet _shaved off all body hair in an attempt to get out of a drug test _clubbed a baby seal _lived in a nudist colony _dated a someone as old as my parents _cut off another persons genitalia and threw it out of a moving car Hopefully I got you exactly what you wanted for mother's day